The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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