I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
