conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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