we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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