census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
you mean i was at the winter classic?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
