I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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