WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
