i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
