how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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