You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
