whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
