Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
