I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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