Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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