So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
