You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
