Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
