he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
