So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize