You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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