Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
