Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
