gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
