he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
