You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
