When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
