based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
