i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
