apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
