sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
