and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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