Are we in a gay sports bar?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
