Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Semen is not good for contacts.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
