Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
