She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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