If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Randomize
