u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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