3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
