im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
