I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
