he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
