yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize