$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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