Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
