I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
