I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize