So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
