Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
