its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Come share oat with me in your robe
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
