Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Boobs speak an international language.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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