If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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