My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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