You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
