Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
