2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Less talking, more tequila
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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