Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
