I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize