You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
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