my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
