Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
