Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
